So I Have a Mental Illness

It’s a hard thing to say out loud, or even in text. But I’ve got something going on with my head that I’ve come to accept warrants attention in the same way that allergies or arthritis do. Nobody really knows what it is. I’ve been labeled with many things in the past:

ADHD
Bipolar
Depression
Anxiety

It’s not a terribly long list, but some mix of that is me. I’ve always felt like everyone’s mental stuff is inherently subjective. It’s like there are all these sliding scales and I fit into them somewhere. Anyway. I have a prescription now for bupropion. I think it’s helping. I still have some trouble with anxiety, so I’m not sure if I’m going through a tougher patch or if my dosage isn’t high enough or if this medication doesn’t help anxiety. It’s not really meant to help with anxiety so I guess it’d make sense if there was more of that still floating around.

Not sure why I wrote all this out. But I suppose it’s a part of my life and worth remembering how I feel right now.

Which is to say, anxious about things, sad sometimes for no reason, sometimes more sad than is necessary. But I’m better. Better than I was for a little while.

*Tap* *Tap*

Hello. Um, hi? It’s been a while.

I have two children now. They rely on me for everything from food to toilet stuff. Hm. I guess that only really covers the gastrointestinal needs. I also tech them things. And pretend I’m a horse.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t engage them as often or as well as I should. Right now they watch tv probably too often.

I’ve been tired, mentally, lately. And so I’ve been absent while I’m here. I don’t work a lot.

I’ll try to do better.

I think I might try to use this as a journal for a bit. Nobody reads it but me, and it’s attached to this great legacy of posts I’ve made through the years. It feels nice to knit back into my own narrative again.

So often I get caught up in now and the future that I forget who I was and what came before. In a lot of ways I’m sure that’s a good thing. But I kind of feel like I’ve strayed from who I really am and into a “who I should be” territory. It’s not far from the main road.

I think I might turn back and try to pick up on the main drag somewhere. Might have to backtrack. Not sure what that actually means.

Talk soon maybe.

*wanders off*